Are you expecting another how-to guide like my other “So you want to…” articles? Well I hate to disappoint but you are not getting that this time. This is not going to tell you how to get the thing you desire. But it is a caution and an explanation of why you will not get what you want. If there is an angry tone to my writing here it is because myself and a lot of others are sick of this bullshit.

I should also point out that this also applies to desires for a goth boyfriend or any other goth human being. But it tends to happen more with goth ladies so the focus will be on that.

Usually? No, it is not.

Goths are people too

People don’t like to be treated like objects. Goths are not your fantasy, not your fetish. There are some that are quite happy to be that and will gladly take your money for it but goths can’t all be judged based on that. Sex work is fine but it isn’t a true representation of goth. Yet it colours people’s perceptions making them think goths are kinky, exotic and ready to perform for you or pleasure you. Goths are people with varied backgrounds, personalities and attitudes.

Goths also come from all races, sexualities, genders, body types, physical ability, mental ability and emotional ability. To narrow us all down to a stereotype such as “big tiddy goth GF” for your gratification is terrible.

Be careful what you wish for

The Highly Coveted G Word

It seems everyone feels they can just be goth on their say so nowadays. That for some reason the goth subculture’s boundaries do not apply like other subculture’s boundaries do. That there are no rules, not even like spooky and dark things. Not that spookiness is a prerequisite of goth but come on, many people aren’t even trying at this point. Like it or not, goth music is an integral part of goth subculture. Without it, it is something else. The rest is window dressing and personal expression.

There is a feeling out there that goth is this cool thing to be. Some of this likely ties back into the exotic/fetish thing which alongside “cool” is pushed by mainstream media.

You are an outcast - goth.
You like horror - goth.
You like weird music - goth.
You dress in black - goth.
You shoot up a school wearing trench coats - goth.
You think you are vampires and kill your parents - goth.
You listen to metal and burn churches - goth.

You get the idea. The mainstream media gets it so wrong and in that many elements appeal to people because they like the idea of goth they are shown. This colours what people desire and their idea of what goth is.

“I see a square peg and I want to paint it black…”

Goth: The Idea vs Reality

The idea of goth many have is very alluring. I would say it goes beyond being goth to being a fan of goth. A fan of their idea of goth. So if they meet the reality of what goth is and what goths are like that idea is broken. Except that isn’t always what happens as goths don’t exist on their own.

On social media there are a lot of people feeding the “idea” by dressing and acting in a way that satisfies it. Even more people are sharing such content. It gets to a point where if you aren’t subscribed to anything else this is all you think goth is. In this world, goth is all about appearances, kink, as many goth hashtags as you can use and cosplaying as a goth no matter who you are.

Speaking of kink, there has been a dangerous trend of exposing minors to kink via supposed “goths” of late. I’m not just talking about OnlyFans spammers in all-ages goth spaces (seriously who would put an ad for a strip club up in a family restaurant and think it is a good idea?) but also social media influencers regarded as goth. So now we look like creeps trying to corrupt minors too. Great.

I have even seen people glorifying mental illness as if it is a major part of goth. This can lead to some nefarious results. Not only do the desires for a goth GF want something that isn’t real, they now assume goths are mentally broken in some way and it can make them prone to predatory behaviour. Women online have to deal with unwanted sexual advances from random unknown men enough without them thinking goth ladies make easy prey.

So maybe idea vs reality is now the wrong way of putting it. Better may be misinformed alternative vs goth. So given the choice they don’t really want to choose goth at all.

You may start calling me an elitist in 3… 2… 1…

Goth Is A Choice

Don’t give me that “I was born goth” or “But I feel goth” crap. You chose it. You listened to the music and liked it or you saw dark style and started coveting it. Either way you chose to follow goth - whether it is what goth is or what you think goth is. At any time I can choose to listen to goth music or not. I can amp up to the extreme, tone down how I dress or dress completely differently. I can surround myself with spooky objects, keep my room plain or decorated with other things. I can choose to engage with goths online or I can choose to stay silent. It is all a choice and it can change on a whim.

Some people who choose goth stick with it for the long term. Some follow a fad then change their minds when it isn’t cool any more. Are you still going to desire that goth GF you desire now when goths are no longer in fashion?

You choose if you want to desire a type of person, let alone fetishize a subculture. It isn’t like you are seeking out someone who happens to be into goth but it doesn’t matter what they are into as you like them. No, you are specifically seeking a “goth” and it seems you don’t care who it is. A notch on the bedpost perhaps? Something to brag to your friends about maybe? A project where she can start freaky as you slowly transform her into someone worthy to meet the parents and not cause you embarrassment by simply being herself? Why do you want it?

Love is love but seeking a specific type has nothing to do with love. It is a choice for self gratification. How other people feel doesn’t matter. What’s in it for her?

Be nice to her meow, not tomorrow

Don’t Be A Creep

Ladies have to put up with unwanted attention from men online in general. Goth ladies get a special kind of unwanted attention on top. Do you really think randomly messaging any woman and being in appropriate with them is going to work?

The world does not owe you a girlfriend, let alone a goth GF. What are you doing to make yourself interesting to ladies in general? Maybe you need to adjust your standards or adjust yourself to be worthy of them.

It is not unheard of for goths to date and marry non-goths. My partner isn’t goth at all. But there needs to be common ground and she sure as hell didn’t hook up with me 21 years ago because I am goth.

So yeah, lay off the BTGGF memes and stop objectifying goth ladies. You are distressing a lot of people. It isn’t helping your cause and it only makes them not want to know you even more than before.